A few months ago I saw a lady walking to her car. She was lovingly waving to her baby who was being held by who I presume was his grandma. The baby was maybe around 8 months old, sucking on his fist, while grandma excitedly waved back for him. The mom kept waving and I could tell just as I was driving by that her heart was breaking. Her body movements and her put on smile, (you know the one we do when we are trying not to cry?) told me everything as she waved and inched her way backward towards her car.
As I was driving my children to school I reflected on my life and how I was so very thankful I have never had to do that. I never have had to leave my children and go off to work or anywhere else for that matter because I didn’t have a choice. Just the thought of that and the what if I actually have to do that at some point, created a cloud so heavy over my head it was hard to shake it off.
I think about this mother often and how so many mothers and fathers are put in these hard positions because there is no other choice. There is no other job, no other childcare option, no other help. And furthermore, for some women, there is such a fear of what others will think about you if you quit your job, abandon your career, or take less pay to stay home and care for your children. It is a great feat to get the degree and the job and then to give it up because you realized this tiny human you created means more than anything else, hands down.
I was a completely different person a handful of years before I had children. I had no idea how I was going to feel having a new baby. No one can foresee the future and plan accordingly. So most women are faced with this life changing decision that you were not planning on. Thankfully I was able to work from home while I had my children. There were still so many sacrifices, but I had my children with me all day, all the time. And there eventually came a point that I was not able to do it all without childcare or quitting my job. I chose the latter and I felt so free. I was able to fulfill my calling as a mother, nurturing and caring for my children 100% without the distraction of employment I had to keep up with.
I never regret my decision. Our family does goes without in some aspects and we have less material things and do less vacationing than other families. But I hope that one day my children will understand and appreciate the sacrifice we made so I could always be there.
I have not followed closely the Lindsay Clancy case, but my heart breaks for that whole family, including her. I won’t get into it on this site, but as a mother, there are so many thoughts I have. I did listen to Lindsay’s mothers’ testimony and as I listened, one thing she said stopped me dead in my tracks. When her mother had first started noticing that something seemed wrong with Lindsay, her daughter had told her she was anxious about going back to work because her baby was having trouble taking a bottle, and she didn’t feel right about leaving him.
Now I imagine there were many things going on besides just feeling anxious about going back to work. But let me tell you, that one fact alone is enough to create crisis in a mothers mind.
As mothers we are the caretakers, the support, the safe haven, the sustainer, steadfast in love, the soft place to land. We are the main person responsible for our children’s safety and well being. This is heavy. This is not to be taken lightly. No we are not God. But God made us mothers because He loves the little children. He has placed us into this assignment of mother and we can feel it with our whole being. Yet because we live in this world that we do, it feels like our natural instincts are wrong. What our mind is telling us, what our body is feeling is very different than what the world is convincing us of.
I know that not all mothers feel like this, and going back to work is welcomed and works well for their family. But, I know for a fact that for so many mothers this is a real struggle, a real heartache.
I read about the crisis mothers are in for so many reasons on a daily basis. Routinely, more in office childcare comes up, or better childcare, more childcare. This is great, and a help in so many ways. But what about a flexible schedule? What about being able to take a day off without getting harassed? What about a guaranteed maternity leave? I took two weeks off for each child I had, and I had c-sections mind you, and my company acted like I was putting them out. But I complied because I was able to work from home. I knew that at any other job I would have to go to a work place and leave my children at daycare.
I do remember being young and my mother and I sitting on my bedroom floor as I told her all my future dreams for after high school. Thinking back, none of them were realistic. They were lofty, showy, and get me out of this small town as quickly as possible type dreams. I remember very subtly she said that I might want to consider what I want to do as far as college or a career that would accompany having children. In my 17 year old brain, I was like “ya I know, whatever.” Now as I ponder that question, what do you pursue college wise that includes being a stay at home mom these days?
Here is the thing. Everything takes time. Every side gig, every meal prepared, every task, every commute or lunch break, takes time. And children need your time and attention. And even though many women out there are delivering an image online or in person that they are achieving it all, they truly are not. Somewhere there is less time being spent with their child or children, period. There is no happy medium. If you want to garden, your children will have to play in the yard as you pour hours into that. If you want to bake everything from scratch all the time, your children will play around you as you are focused on dough. If you want to have a side business, your children will probably be waiting for your attention as you pursue that. Part time, full time, any time job? Your time will constantly be depleting over and over.
But the question is: “My job provides a better life for my children”, or “homemade goods and fresh garden food is better for my children” and is truly a service to them right? The answer is yes. But there is always this struggle of time and what is priority.
My days are fuller than I thought they would be with all my children in school now. I race from laundry to dinner prep, to responding to emails and paying bills. The list is long. But I truly run around trying to get it all done so I can be present and enjoy my children when they are home. I want to be able to sit and listen to them as they recall their day. I want to hear about what was hard or fun or confusing. I don’t want to be so busy or occupied that I am absent from their childhood.
It is all a balance, and one that I never knew would be so hard. I am always thinking, this day won’t be here for long. They will all grow up and move away and I will be in the quiet home again, but in a different way. So while the part time job sounds good some days, the idea of getting to be here and not miss a thing always wins in my mind.
Lord you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. Psalm 16:5
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