What we expect
I recently read about a couple in their mid thirties who were ordinary people. They didn’t have rich parents, had no college education, but worked hard and always had employment and learned new skills and trades along the way. The couple saved for everything including their beautiful wedding and purchasing their first home. Everything was moving along, progressing as we all hope and expect life to. Every cabinet and new furnishing and appliance they saved for. They worked and worked and worked. They were very proud of their home and their life, and their success.
Then, the husband lost his job. He worked part time at whatever job he could find, but it wasn’t enough to keep their home. Ultimately they made the heart wrenching decision to sell their home and rent a smaller place. Together they started a small business that did well at first and then didn’t end up going anywhere. They moved again and both found part time jobs, and are now just making it.
They don’t have children, even though that was their hope. But life happened and their plan didn’t go as they expected. Friends and family around them ask why they don’t have kids, and the answer is they can’t afford it. Others ask why they sold their home, why are you renting, what happened to you guys?
Reading this made me think about so many things, but mainly how there are so many ebbs and flows throughout life.
I remember there were years when my parents had a lot of money, and then years when they didn’t have much at all. Life is long and there are many circumstances (not always choices) that can affect the direction and eventually the destination of our journey.
But I have noticed that our society as a whole sees situations like this young couples as a wrong turn on their journey that they made. That they ultimately made a mistake or they should have had more savings, or education, or the list goes on. But the truth is sometimes it doesn’t matter at all. A person can make all the right choices at the time and life can still throw you a curve ball. The setbacks can be numerous, not just an isolated situation.
Today, especially living in the United States, we expect more. We await progress and success. We assume we can do it all, and be anything we want to be. This can be detrimental to our mental health as humans, and especially as mothers.
Mothers Today
The Proverbs 31 woman and mother has become the supreme model for mothers for generations. Her skills and ways are also impossible to imitate. And that is because she wasn’t a real person. She was an illustration of what a woman and mother should be, what God wants us to be, but not all at the same time or in the same season. He wants us to have these qualities and desires, but not to achieve them all on a daily basis.
With millions of mothers and women on You Tube and various social media platforms, it appears that these mothers are achieving these qualities on a daily basis.
For example, it is expected to see a YouTube mother show her beautifully decorated home, alongside her well behaved, and well groomed children. Sourdough bead bakes daily, along other homemade goods. The garden is overflowing beside the many farm animals. She shows you her daily exercise routine, and she links the Etsy store she has that showcases beautiful handmade crafts. Of course she homeschools, and is active in her church. It is clear she has made You Tube her job which takes much time and diligence on her part.
She also has extended family and a solid group of friendships that she nurtures. Her children are active in sports and extracurricular activities. It is evident that her outfits, hair and makeup have received much attention. She has fine tuned many things like the Proverbs 31 mother, and it appears attainable.
In Reality
I know that mothers on social media are doing many things, and doing them well. But they are also casting them all in a light that seems perfect and optimized. I know that what they are showing is not every day life. And I have to believe that they too, even though they are not promoting it, have nights that it all falls apart and they are feeding their children freezer chicken nuggets and juice.
It can’t always be perfect. There are setbacks in life for everyone. This is not real life, right? This is what is so taxing about life today. When I was growing up I watched television shows like Friends and Felicity. Now these were based on real life, but I knew they were still just a tv show. Keri Russell’s hair looked beautiful every week because she had personal hair stylists. The mom I follow on You Tube has beautiful hair because she is just better at that than me. Or this is what I think in my mind. And there ensues the spiral.
The Land of Promise
I am always trying to figure out the mental health crisis mothers are in today. There are so many factors, that we could talk for days on the topic, but I do know that 20 years ago a young mothers’ challenges were very different than today’s. Cultural pressure placed upon mothers is contributing to identity loss, social isolation and mental load.
What we absorb into our mind as reality, whether it be from television, social media or extended family can feel real. Your reality is not mine and mine is not yours. Recognition that that is ok, is peace. I am not just talking about not coveting thy neighbor, it is about not feeling inadequate. They are strongly connected.
I don’t want to have farm animals. Having white furniture and beautifully staged decor is not for me. I am not jealous of those things, but I also don’t want to feel like I am not doing it right or not doing enough. And most days we are not progressing, we are just staying afloat. This can feel like extreme inadequacy. This is due to so many unforeseen circumstances.
I didn’t think I would quit my job for my health and to be more present with my children. Our well running dry and having to spend thousands on rain water installation was not in the plan. I didn’t forsee inflation and that home prices would skyrocket. I wasn’t planning on covid. And many other life things that have happened along the way.
I am not failing, I am living in this life. We are not always progressing or thriving. Just because we are not thriving does not mean we are failing, especially as mothers.
Getting Through the Days
The couple I read about were not giving up. They did not give up on the hope of having children someday. They are still striving for progress every day. The path that they are unexpectedly on looks different than their friends and family, but they are not giving up. But, they were being real and coming forth with something that I imagine many of us can relate to.
Some days as a mother are very hard. Depression, anxiety, and overwhelm is real. Some days I want to stay in bed for a week, but I never do. I never do because I have three precious gifts that keep me going, that need me, and want me. There are days when everything feels too loud, the house feels too cluttered and there is not much on the calendar to look forward to. But I keep trying. I keep waking up and getting dressed. Breakfast and lunch and dinner I continue to make. There is no giving up because I know tomorrow or maybe even the next day will be sunnier. And I really don’t want to miss a thing.
Share: