I hate school.
Now I’m sure this will not go over well with many people. I write this for the mother out there who maybe, just maybe feels exactly like I do.
I signed up my oldest child for kindergarten five years ago, and it was with a heavy heart. It was 2021, and covid was still in full swing. I was physically able to do this because I knew it would get shut down. Then we could re-evaluate. I really wanted him to be able to try it. This of course never happened. Consequently, my kindergartener had to a wear a mask every day of class, over six hours a day, five days a week.
Looking back, I’m not even sure how I survived it. At the time I had two other small children, ages 3 and 7 months, I was still working from home, and life all around me was crazy. I was never able to walk my son into class, and I saw the inside of the building twice. This happened of course in a full masked, sit six feet away from anyone else parent orientation. I barely knew what his classroom looked like, or where my precious child would be all day long.
The first day of school we had to drop him off and let him fend for himself at his K-8 school. I remember very clearly watching his little self walk into the large building all the way to the door. The whole time I watched him I wondered if he would find his class? If a big 8th grader would push him around? Would teachers be kind? I prayed he would make it to the bathroom in time. Most importantly, would he have fun? He turned and gave me a thumbs up and smiled before he made it into the school. It felt like hell.
Trudging along
The rest of the year was hard and didn’t go as I had imagined in any way. My son was sick the majority of the time. I attribute this to never being around so many children at one time, and probably the stress of it all as well. Being sick meant many days away.
This created much anxiety for my son and myself to start it all over again after being away for sometimes weeks at a time. Also wearing a mask at age five when you are getting over a cold with a cough or a stuffy nose, is near impossible. School of course wondered why he was gone so much? Well a cough can last up to 3 weeks at times, and I am not sending my five year old to school while coughing in a mask. Life is hard enough people.
As Time Inevitably Goes On
Every year after this I thought it would get better, and in a sense it has. Good teachers have made it easier for my son over the years, terrible ones have made it hard. As an almost fifth grader I ask him regularly if he still likes school or if he would like to homeschool. At this point, friends and the social aspect of school outweighs the parts he doesn’t care for. But, homeschool is always an option for my children, and I have made that very clear from the start.
Every summer is a respite for my whole being as I have all my children home to nurture, serve, teach, and love. I feel my body and mind calm. We can all escape the world (that which is school) to just be with each other. No mean kids, no crappy sugar filled school food, no crabby teachers, no bad words they haven’t learned yet, no competing, and no worldly influence. I soak it in like the sunshine that has finally made it’s way back to our part of the world in the Pacific Northwest.
Finding Peace
Now as I sign up my youngest child for kindergarten, I am regularly haunted by my decision to have my children in school. Is school really where I want my children to spend the majority of their days at such a young age? Do I want them to be influenced so much by our world that is going to hell in a hand-basket literally? I don’t know. It has been a struggle since day one five years ago.
My precious children who no one else will understand, or know, or love like I do are being pulled from my hands to go into the world of school. Teachers and aids and other children are influencing their little minds in ways I will never know.
I don’t know if I will ever have peace about our decision years ago to enroll my son into public school. But I guess much of parenting is just this. Constantly making decisions, loads of decisions that for the most part I am not sure of. I don’t know the best answer. I don’t know what will be best for my whole family? Most of it is on a wing and a prayer. Lots of prayer that my decision is ultimately best for my children.
Will it ever get easier?
So know this dear mama. If you are struggling with this and feel like a crazy person, or the world is making you feel like a crazy person? Know that I am struggling with this too. Every new school year starts with dread. There are many conversations about whether we are doing the right thing for our children, and our family. https://www.motherhoodcrisis.com/a-crisis/
One day at a time is how I look at it now. Who knows, maybe one day we will homeschool. Maybe years from now my children will be so thankful we didn’t homeschool. I regularly pray for peace on this topic. While I know this article may not bring you peace, I hope this brings you solidarity. I hope you don’t feel so alone.
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